How effective would you say communication with your spouse is when problems are present in your marriage? Can you discuss stressful matters in a profitable fashion or do the lines of communication immediately get severed? This is a question that should be answered before a troublesome situation arises so that steps can be taken to strengthen your intimacy with each other. Ladies, your ability to communicate with your spouse is essential if the deepening of your relationship and the success of your marriage is going to transpire! In fact, every failed marriage can be traced to one or both partners’ failure to communicate. If two people cannot properly hold a discussion, they can’t resolve conflicts. As a result, their marriage will become a lonely standoff or the relationship will eventually disband altogether. Every enjoyable and satisfying marriage is directly related to a couple’s skill and effectiveness in the art of communication. So, if you truly desire greater intimacy and companionship with your husband, then your ability to communicate must be cultivated. How do we do this? There are some simple steps I found in various scriptures that I’d like us to consider…
Matthew 23:37 (KJV)
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them
which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children
together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye
would not!
Men and women seeking marital counseling have voiced the same concern Christ here did. “I want a better marriage but my spouse seems unwilling.” My husband and I have heard this comment on numerous occasions since entering the ministry. Thus, the first question we must answer in regard to improving our communication skills ought to be – Am I willing?? Here is where all effective communication begins! Change in any area of our lives requires a willing heart. God will not force us to communicate anymore than He would force us into a relationship with Himself. In this passage Jesus points out that willingness is the key to any relationship. In most cases when communication is suffering in a marriage, it’s not a question of a person’s lack of ability to communicate, but most likely their unwillingness to do so. Ladies, how willing are you to spend the time and energy necessary to build your communication skills today? Are you humbly inclined to assume responsibility for any failure in this area of your relationship? Is there any eagerness on your part to learn new ways of becoming a better communicator? Yes, the Lord is always willing to help us, but we are the ones He says “would not”!
Luke 14:15-22 (KJV)
And when one of them that sat at meat with him heard these things, he
said unto him, Blessed is he that shall eat bread in the kingdom of God.
[16] Then said he unto him, A certain man made a great supper, and bade
many: [17] And sent his servant at supper time to say to them that were
bidden, COME; FOR ALL THINGS ARE NOW READY. [18] And they all with one
consent began to make excuse. The first said unto him, I have bought a
piece of ground, and I must needs go and see it: I pray thee have me excused.
[19] And another said, I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to prove
them: I pray thee have me excused. [20] And another said, I have married
a wife, and therefore I cannot come. [21] So that servant came, and shewed
his lord these things. Then the master of the house being angry said to
his servant, Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city, and
bring in hither the poor, and the maimed, and the halt, and the blind.
[22] And the servant said, Lord, it is done as thou hast commanded, and
yet there is room.
As seen in the passage above, another step we must be willing to take in constructing stronger marriages is to give up our excuses! Ladies, if you and I are truly willing to allow God to improve our ability to communicate, we must first renounce any rationalization we have drummed up as to why it can't be done - either with you or your husband. An excuse is simply any reason you might employ to evade or put off altogether your duty to communicate with your spouse. The invitation has been extended in the Bible; there is plenty of room left for more people to attend God's marriage seminar, yet many will just not come! Parallel to the text above, what are some of the excuses we use today to skip out? Some say, “It’s my parents’ fault that I don’t communicate. I never had a good example in my family as I was growing up.” Usually people think this is a viable reason for their dysfunction. Perhaps you've been guilty of faulting someone in your past, someone who was a poor pattern to follow. Even so, if we are born-again, we have a good example now – Jesus Christ! He is the best model anyone could have of an effective communicator…
John 13:15 (KJV)
For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.
Some people say, “It’s my spouse’s fault for the way I communicate. If he or she wouldn’t be so _____ I wouldn’t respond the way I do.” No matter what claim you may make on the mess of your marriage, this train of thought is nothing more than refusing to take personal responsibility for your own actions! It is attempting to delegate the entire duty to someone else - the old Adam and Eve syndrome rising to the surface again. Turn with me to Exodus 4:10-12 and let's look at the excuse that Moses gave God for not being able to communicate, and hear God's recommendation in return:
And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue. And the Lord said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.
Are you apprehensive about your communication skills, dear lady? It appears that Moses voiced insecurity about his ability to talk because of some kind of speech impediment. In hiding behind a little problem we conveniently avoid confronting the bigger ones! Nonetheless, did the Lord accept Moses speech problem as a valid excuse? No! God’s answer to Moses was to give him a promise that He would help him and teach him what he should say. Did the Lord keep His promise? Of course He did, all you have to do is read the books of Exodus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy to see how well Moses did as he spoke to the people. Once Moses put personal weakness aside, he tackled bigger issues for God’s glory. Ladies, we can have the same testimony - by trusting in the Lord to be with our mouth too! In standing upon God's promises we can give up our flimsy excuses! Instead of saying it can't work, we should start asking God for His help and trust His instructions concerning how to become better communicators.
Psalm 51:5 (KJV)
For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
In the verse above, we discover another step to becoming an effective communicator is to acknowledge our failures in communication. This means we must humbly and honestly consider where we are failing before God, and then confess it to our mates. Sound like a hard thing for you to do? Perhaps you are thinking, "But what if I can’t identify where the breakdown in communication exists?" Stop and take a moment to ponder some of these questions:
Do you stubbornly refuse to admit your faults when conflicts arise?
When you are confronted with a sensitive issue, do you simply turn and walk away, refusing to communicate?
Do you angrily attack your husband with harsh criticism during disagreements? Do you resort to bringing skeletons out of the closet?
Do you rudely interrupt him simply because you are impatient or frustrated?
When your husband discovers you have done something he deems inappropriate, do you lie to cover yourself? Do you exaggerate the facts to make yourself look better?
Proverbs 18:21 (KJV)
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall
eat the fruit thereof.
Ladies, if you struggle with any of these harmful practices in your marriage, resolve them by first admitting your faults and asking your mate to forgive you! In addition, we should also humbly ask God for His conviction and instruction concerning how to change in these specific areas. Things begin to change only when we can admit where we are failing. With our tongues we hold the power to bring life or death to our marriages! Many times couples say they just don’t have time to develop better communication. That sounds like a pretty legitimate excuse in this day and age, but it’s still not adequate justification for putting off home improvement. Didn't we all have plenty of time to communicate before we were married?? Why not now? The problem is not so much needing more time, but making better use of the time we have. Let's face it; we always find time to do what is most important to us. For instance, once you set aside time for a thing of priority to you, don’t you refuse other activities that might interfere with that sacred event? Likewise, time to communicate with each other is something husband and wife should both deem important and jealously guard. Our heavenly Father made a choice to communicate His love to us by sending His son Jesus Christ to the world, amen? It was His predetermined plan; God sent His only begotten Son as powerful evidence that you and I were important to Him and so we would know that He truly cared!! Therefore, when we make predetermined plans to communicate, we demonstrate our desire to love the other person. Communication is, therefore, a choice to love!
John 13:34 (KJV)
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; AS I HAVE
LOVED YOU, that ye also love one another.
So then, are you communicating love to your mate on a daily basis? I didn't ask you if your husband was - I asked you if YOU were! Do you take the time to sit down with your husband and ask how his day went? If you do, your behavior is sending the signal that he is important to you. Create the right atmosphere for hearty conversation. If you fail to make time for warm, loving fellowship, you are communicating just the opposite message!
1 Peter 3:8-10 (KJV)
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love
as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: [9] Not rendering evil for evil,
or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are
thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. [10] For he that
will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil,
and his lips that they speak no guile:
One more step we must take in order to create additional time to communicate is to determine what things are consuming our time. The television immediately comes to mind here. When I reflect on how many hours my husband and I have devoted to viewing television since we’ve been married I can’t help but think how skilled we would be as communicators had we employed our time more wisely! Now the computer has come on the scene - another technical thief responsible for stealing the wholesomeness of marriages. What are the things that distract you from communication with your spouse? Could it be, married woman, you've found yourself an improper "friend" to chat with on the computer?? Someone who distracts you from working on your own marriage?? Perhaps you are consumed with nightly and weekend commitments to sports or hobbies for yourselves or even your children. What is the return on all that investment?? Why not reduce these commitments and make arrangements for a date with your husband instead. Turn your pressure into pleasure; whatever distraction is preventing improved communication with your mate, adjust it! Make the right things a priority! Ladies, if you and your husband sincerely want to establish and maintain genuine communication and friendship with each other, this is what it will take. Stop allowing this world to divide what God has joined! Which would your children prefer – happily married parents or a spot on the baseball or soccer team? Teach them by example what is most imp0rtant! Your number one priority must be to enjoy unity and companionship with your husband. Don’t let other things distract you from what God says is most important!
Matthew 19:6 (KJV)
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath
joined together, let not man put asunder.
Can you remember back to the instances you spent together doing fun things with your husband? What was the fruit of that time together? Didn’t you naturally grow in your friendship and ultimately in your romantic desire for each other? Why did this occur? Was it just a freak accident? Wasn’t it because during those times together you shared your common ideas that built up a strong bond between you? Ladies, communication is always the fruit of marital dating and recreational time together. Make time for fun with your spouse! The best Biblical example of this truth is found in the Song of Solomon. As you read this story it is quite obvious that this man and his wife had a very open, intimate dialogue going with each other. As you read the accounts listed below, you’ll see how they acquired this kind of relationship…
He visited his wife while she was away in the mountains (Song of Sol.
2:8-9).
They also went on trips together to Lebanon and other villages ( Song
of Sol. 4:8; 7:11).
They would take walks together to smell the flowers ( Song of Sol. 2:10-14).
No doubt about it, this couple did things together! In verse 14 of Song of Solomon 2, notice HOW they talked while they were in one another’s company. Solomon’s wife declared, "...let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely." Do you feel that way about your husband today, dear lady? Are you fond of the sound of his voice, or do you dread it? What a shame it is when married people no longer cheerfully anticipate one another’s company! Pleasant communication is the result of special times together coupled with a proper heart attitude. Prayer is another very important tool in encouraging deeper communication within a marriage. You may be thinking, “How could prayer affect our communication?” It’s very simple! In prayer, we typically communicate the things that are heaviest on our hearts. Thus, when you share your most intimate concerns with the Lord alongside your most intimate partner, you can’t help but be drawn closer together! Honesty poured out at the throne of grace will naturally stir up healthy and holy communication between man and wife.
Psalm 130:1 (KJV)
Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord.
The Psalms are a powerful example of a man sharing his honest hopes, fears, and troubles with a God that he knew loved him. What is your reaction as you come into contact with the depth of David’s heart? Don’t you identify with his struggles and aren’t you drawn to love this man? Similarly, if we will pray together and pour out our hearts to God in the presence of our spouse, we will also be drawn together into a deeper sense of understanding and love for one another. Ladies, don’t let your fear, pride, or self-sufficiency keep you from joining your mate in prayer! If your husband seeks you out to come and call upon the Lord with him, accept his invitation! As you do, your intimacy will surely grow…
Psalm 66:16 (KJV)
Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done
for my soul.
Next to consider is the content of our communication. If you desire to truly enhance your communication, you must also develop the content of your conversations. You must not allow your marital fellowship to remain superficial, but you must share the most important things of your life. Meaningful communication is always fulfilling and edifying and will encourage you to come back for more. How can you develop more meaningful content? First, there must be something meaningful happening in your life! What do I mean? The most meaningful thing that can possibly happen in your life is what is occurring in your relationship with the Lord, amen? When God is at work in people’s lives and they are filled with the Holy Spirit, such things are worth communicating!
Acts 4:20 (KJV)
For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.
Seek God in His Word and then humbly and wisely, in a timely fashion, share what God is doing in your soul. The more you share spiritual things with your husband, the greater will be the depth of your relationship. Noteworthy talks also consist of the important things that occur daily and how the Lord is at work in each of your lives - your joys, your struggles, your confessions, your victories, and accomplishments. When wholesome topics make up the greater part of your discussions you will sense that your relationship is becoming more meaningful. This will certainly launch more communication!
Ephes. 4:29 (KJV)
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which
is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Lastly, we need to look at one of the easiest ways to enhance our communication. Husband and wife should regularly declare their appreciation for each other! Sad to say, verbalizing criticism and finding fault comes so easy to us. Yet any form of praise seems to get lodged in our throat and can’t find it’s way out of our lips! Are you choking on something you need to spit out today, dear wife? Scripture teaches that praise and encouragement are a valid and necessary part of good communication. For those who find this form of communication awkward, turn to Psalm 51:15, and follow the example of the psalmist who asks God for the ability to praise. Are you deficient in recognizing the good in your husband, dear wife? I am sure that your spouse has done something of late that is worthy of your appreciation and praise. It’s time we all allowed God to start transforming our marriages! Remember; only if you are WILLING can God make you an effective and well-balanced communicator. If you want things to change at your house, then change must begin in your heart!
God Bless,
Pam
Isaiah 60:1&2
Copyright 2000 Pamela A. Iannello
Revised 2004
Related Devotionals
Becoming An Effective Communicator - Part 2
