How effective would you say your communication is with your spouse when
there is a serious problem in your marriage? Can you discuss it constructively
or do the lines of communication immediately get cut? This is a question
that should be answered before the need arises so that steps can be taken
to strengthen your intimacy with each other. You see, your ability to
communicate with your spouse is necessary if the deepening of your relationship
and ultimately to the success of your marriage is going to occur, wouldn't
you agree? Every failed marriage can be traced to one or both partners’
failure to communicate. If two people have no way to communicate, they
can’t resolve conflicts can they? Consequently, their marriage will become
a lonely standoff or the relationship will eventually just dissolve altogether.
And ladies, I think you'd agree with me that every enjoyable and satisfying
marriage is directly related to a couple’s skill and effectiveness in
the art of communication! Therefore, if you truly desire greater intimacy
and companionship with your husband like I do, then our ability to communicate
must grow, amen? How do we do this? In searching out this topic, there
are some simple steps I found that I wanted to share with you today as
we start out by
looking at verse 37 of Matthew 23 where Jesus says:
"...how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen
gathereth her chickens under her wings, AND YE WOULD NOT!"
I wonder how often many spouses seeking marital counseling might make
this very same statement. "I want a closer relationship and intimacy,
but my spouse is unwilling." My husband and I have heard this comment
on numerous occasions! The first question we must answer toward improving
our communication skills ought to be - are we willing?? Here is where
all effective communication begins! Change in any area of our lives requires
a willing heart, amen ladies? God will not force us to communicate anymore
than He would force us into a relationship with Himself. In this passage
Jesus points out that willingness is the key to any relationship. In most
cases when communication is suffering in a marriage, it’s not a question
of a person’s lack of ability to communicate, but probably their unwillingness
to do so. Ladies, how willing are you to spend the time necessary to build
your communication skills today? Are you sincerely ready and willing to
ask forgiveness for any failure in this area of your relationship? Are
you also eager to learn new ways of becoming a better communicator? The
Lord is always willing to help us, but we are the ones He says "would
not".
Luke 14:15-22, "And when one of them that sat at meat with him heard these
things, he said unto him, Blessed is he that shall eat bread in the kingdom
of God. [16] Then said he unto him, A certain man made a great supper,
and bade many: [17] And sent his servant at supper time to say to them
that were bidden, COME; FOR ALL THINGS ARE NOW READY. [18] And they all
with one consent began to make excuse. The first said unto him, I have
bought a piece of ground, and I must needs go and see it: I pray thee
have me excused. [19] And another said, I have bought five yoke of oxen,
and I go to prove them: I pray thee have me excused. [20] And another
said, I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come. [21] So that
servant came, and shewed his lord these things. Then the master of the
house being angry said to his servant, Go out quickly into the streets
and lanes of the city, and bring in hither the poor, and the maimed, and
the halt, and the blind. [22] And the servant said, Lord, it is done as
thou hast commanded, and yet there is room."
As seen in the passage above, the second step we must be willing to take
in building closer, stronger, healthier relationships is to give up our
excuses! Ladies, if you and I are truly willing to allow God to improve
our ability to communicate, we must first give up any excuses we have
established in our minds as to why it can't be done - either with you
or your husband. An excuse is simply any reason you use to evade or put
off altogether your responsibility to communicate with your spouse. There
is plenty of room left for attendance upon God's marriage seminar, yet
many will just not come... What are some of the excuses given? Some say,
"It’s my parents’ fault that I don’t communicate. I never had a good example
in my family as I was growing up." Usually people think this is an excellent
excuse! Maybe you've been guilty of blaming others yourself.... However,
if we are Christians, let's remember that we do have a good example now
- Jesus Christ! He is the best example that anyone could have of an effective
communicator....
John 13:15, "For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have
done to you."
Some people say, "It’s my spouse’s fault for the way I communicate. If
he or she wouldn’t be so _____ I wouldn’t respond the way I do." But ladies,
this is simply not taking personal responsibility for your own actions!
It is shifting the blame to someone else - the old Adam and Eve syndrome
rising to the surface again. Turn with me to Exodus 4:10-12 and let's
look at the excuse that Moses gave God for not being able to communicate,
and what God's advice to him was:
"And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore,
nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech,
and of a slow tongue. And the Lord said unto him, Who hath made man's
mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have
not I the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach
thee what thou shalt say."
Are you insecure in your communication skills today, dear lady? It appears
that Moses also had great insecurity about his ability to talk because
of some kind of speech impediment. However, the most important question
is, did the Lord accept his speech problem as a valid excuse? No! God’s
answer to Moses was to give him a promise that He would help him and teach
him what he should say. Did the Lord keep His promise? Of course He did,
all you have to do is read the books of Exodus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy
to see how well Moses did as he spoke to the people. You and I can have
the same testimony - by trusting in the Lord to be with our mouth as well!
In standing upon God's promises we can give up our excuses! Instead of
saying it can't work, we should start asking God for His help and trust
His instructions concerning how to become a better communicator.
Psalm 51:5, "For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is ever before
me."
In the verse above, we discover the next step to becoming an effective
communicator is to acknowledge our failures in communication. This means
you and I must humbly and honestly consider where we are failing before
God, and then confess it to our mates. Sound like a hard thing for you
to do? Perhaps you are thinking, "But what if I don’t know where my failures
are??" Stop and take a moment to think about some of these questions:
Do you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge your faults when conflicts arise?
When you are confronted, do you simply turn and walk away refusing to
communicate? Or, do you viciously attack your mate with angry and harsh
criticism when you disagree over an issue?
Do you rudely interrupt your spouse simply because you are impatient?
When your mate finds out that you have done something he or she considers
wrong, do you lie to cover yourself? Or, do you exaggerate the facts to
make yourself look better?
Ladies, if you struggle with any of these failures in your relationship,
resolve them by first acknowledging them and asking your mate to forgive
you! In addition, we should also humbly ask God for His conviction and
instruction concerning how to change in these specific areas. Things begin
to change only when we can admit where we are failing....
Many times couples say that they just don’t have time to develop better
communication. But isn't this just another good sounding excuse?? I mean,
didn't we all have plenty of time to communicate before we were married??
Why not now? The problem is not so much needing more time, but making
better use of the time we have, amen? Let's face it ladies, we always
make time to do what is most important to us, don't we? Once we’ve set
aside time for something specific, don’t you refuse the other invitations
you receive? Likewise, making the time for each other is a similar choice
to do something you consider important. Our heavenly Father made a choice
to communicate His love all throughout history by sending His son Jesus
Christ to the world, amen? He sent His Son as a testimony that you and
I were important to Him and so we would know that He truly cared!! Therefore,
when we choose to make time to communicate, we are
demonstrating our desire to love the other person. Communication is, therefore,
simply a choice to love....
John 13:34, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another;
AS I HAVE loved you, that ye also love one another."
Are you making this wise choice to love your mate on a daily basis? I
didn't ask you if your husband was, I asked you if YOU were! Do you take
the time to sit down with him and talk about how his day went? If you
do, your behavior is sending the signal that you are important to one
another. Create the right environment for conversation... If you fail
to make time for fellowship, you are communicating just the opposite message!
The next step we need to take in order to make more time to communicate,
is to determine what things are consuming our time. The television immediately
comes to mind here... When I think about how many hours my husband and
I have wasted in front of T.V. over the years, I wonder how skilled we
would be by now in our communication, how much closer and more intimate
we'd be with one another if we had used our time wisely! Now the computer
has come on the scene and is another thief responsible for stealing the
purity of male and female relationships... What are the things that distract
you from communication with your spouse? Could it be, married woman, you've
found yourself an improper "friend" to chat with on the computer?? Someone
who distracts you from working on your own marriage?? Perhaps you are
distracted by nightly commitments to sports or hobbies for yourself or
even your children.... Why not reduce those commitments and make arrangements
for a date with your husband instead. Whatever distraction is keeping
you from communicating with your mate, change it! If you sincerely want
to establish and maintain real communication and friendship with one another,
this is what it will take. Remember ladies, your number one priority must
be to enjoy unity and companionship with your husband. This is the Biblical
priority for wives. Don’t let other things distract you from what God
says is most important!
Genesis 2:24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
Can you remember back to the instances you spent together doing fun things
with your husband? What was the fruit of that time together? Didn’t you
naturally grow in your friendship and ultimately in your romantic desire
for each other? Why did this occur? Was it just a freak accident? Wasn’t
it because during those times together you shared your common ideas, which
built up a strong bond between you? Communication is always the fruit
of marital dating and recreation time together. Make time for fun with
your spouse! The best Biblical example of this truth is found in the Song
of Solomon. As you read this story it is quite obvious that this man and
his wife had a very open, intimate, and expressive communication with
each other. The question is, how did they get this kind of relationship?
The answer is found as you read the account; for they did many things
together...
He visited his wife while she was away in the mountains
(Song of Sol. 2:8-9).
They also went on trips together to Lebanon and other villages
( Song of Sol. 4:8; 7:11).
They would take walks together to smell the flowers
( Song of Sol. 2:10-14).
In verse 14 in this passage above, notice HOW they talked while they were
together. Solomon’s wife declared, "...let me see thy countenance, let
me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely."
Do you feel that way about your husband today dear lady? Do you like the
sound of his voice, or do you dread it? What a shame it is when married
people no longer enjoy or look forward to the company of one another....
Enjoyable communication is the result of special times together and a
proper heart attitude. Prayer is another very important tool in encouraging
deeper communication within a marriage. You may be thinking, "How could
prayer affect our communication?" It’s very simple! When you pray with
your husband, you communicate the things that are most important to you,
that are heaviest on your heart. You also say things to the Lord in prayer
that you won’t ordinarily say in normal conversation with your spouse.
When you share your most intimate secrets with your most intimate partner
you can’t help but be drawn closer together! Honesty and openness like
this poured out at the throne of grace will naturally stir up healthy
and holy communication.
Psalm 130:1 says, "Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord."
The Psalms are a powerful example of a man sharing his honest hopes, fears,
and troubles with a God that he knew loved him. What is your reaction
as you come into contact with the depth of David’s heart? Don’t you identify
with his struggles and aren’t you drawn to love this man? Similarly, if
we will pray together and pour out our hearts to God in the presence of
our spouse, we will also be drawn together into a deeper sense of understanding
and love for one another. Ladies, don’t let your fear, pride, or self-sufficiency
keep you from joining your mate in prayer! If your husband seeks you out
to come and call upon the Lord with him, accept his invitation! As you
do, your intimacy will surely grow...
Next to consider is the content of our communication. If you desire to
truly enhance your communication, you must also develop the content of
your conversations. You must not allow your fellowship to remain superficial,
but you must share the most important things in your life. Meaningful
communication is always fulfilling and edifying and will encourage you
to come back for more. How can you develop a more meaningful content?
First, there must be something meaningful happening in your life. What
do I mean? The most meaningful thing that can possibly happen in your
life is what is occurring in your relationship with the Lord, amen? When
God is at work in people’s lives and they are filled with the Holy Spirit,
it is worth communicating!
Psalm 66:16, "Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare
what he hath done for my soul."
Ladies, ask God to begin stirring you up spiritually and fill you with
His living water. Seek God in His Word and then humbly and wisely, in
a timely fashion, share with your husband what you’ve learned and what
God is doing in your soul. The more you share spiritual things with him,
the greater will be the depth of your relationship. Meaningful conversation
also consists of the important things that happen to you both each day
and how the Lord is at work in your life; your joys, struggles, your confessions,
your victories and accomplishments. These are the important things in
life, amen? When you discuss them with one another, you will
sense that your relationship is becoming more meaningful. This will certainly
open up more communication!
Acts 4:20, "For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and
heard."
Lastly, we need to look at one of the easiest ways to enhance our communication.
It is to simply be more encouraging by regularly declaring your appreciation
for each other! It is so easy to verbalize our criticism and to find fault;
in fact, it seems to come forth with no effort at all! But, why is it
that encouragement and praise for a job well done both seem to get stuck
in our throat?? Are you choking on something you need to spit out today,
dear wife? Scripture teaches that praise and encouragement are a valid
and necessary part of good communication. We are told to in Hebrews 3:13
to "exhort one another daily". How are you doing, are you a bit behind
in your exhortations? I am sure that your spouse has done something today
that is worthy of some appreciation and praise! Have you declared it?
Consider all the things your spouse does every day to benefit you and
your family. Why not mention how blessed you feel to have him as your
husband? Are you afraid of what is going to happen if you start dishing
out praise and encouragement to him? I'll tell you ahead of time what
will happen - your entire relationship will be strengthened because your
spouse will sense your love and care! So dear lady, will you follow Christ's
example today and allow God to start transforming you? Remember, only
if you are WILLING, can He make you an effective and well-balanced communicator!
All He requires is that you surrender to His full control and Lordship.
As you yield, God will also make you an example to your spouse and to
your children of an effective communicator. Let God begin the work today
in your home and you will begin to enjoy your marriage relationship like
never before.
God Bless,
Pam
Isaiah 60:1&2
Copyright 2000 Pamela A. Iannello
